The last month being home from Calgary has been very very hard for me. I’m not even sure where to begin. I was there under some absolutely terrible circumstances, and I’m still struggling and wrestling with it all. I can’t believe Amber is really gone and that she was really murdered. It is all so surreal to me to think I was standing at her grave, I said goodbye, I saw her family, I cried, I laughed, I remembered, I ached and I have tremendous regret that I didn’t get to know this Amber and I hurt that I never will have that opportunity. I feel horrible for putting off going back to Calgary. I guess I just always had visions of us 3 reuniting at some point in our adulthood. I could have never expected someone had other plans for Amber.

And then there is Kim – my first friend ever. Just being with her was so wonderful and so natural. Nothing was forced, just 2 old friends reunited as though the time and distance no longer existed. I felt so close to her, closer than I have felt to anyone here as long as I’ve lived here. I can’t even begin to describe it, nor do I understand why I haven’t been able to get as close to anyone here. I have some great friends, but nothing like what Kim and I share. And since I’ve been home I’ve missed her terribly. It was so fun to be a part of her life again, and meet her after work for Starbucks, or just sit in her kitchen and yak over dried fruits and nuts.

I have a well-established life here in Toronto. A great career, a great husband and all my closest family are all here. My house, my cats, everything that I have and know is right here and I would be foolish to give it all away. The other issue is the climate in Calgary. I hate winter, I hate snow, and they are known to get both from September through to May. Here, our true winter runs from at worst December to March. Summer there still means take a coat because it could get cool, while summers here are very warm. The list goes on and on really for pros of being here. I enjoyed my visit there, and there are things about that city that I completely love, but I know I wouldn’t be happy if I moved back.

So here I am, struggling with trying to reach a happy medium of dealing with not having Kim here, knowing she rightly can’t give up her life there – and aching to have her close in my life. I really wish things could be different, and it’s hard to admit that they can’t be. True friendships run very deep, and I’m very lucky to have found 2 in my life. I vow to make an effort to see Kim more frequently, because it matters.

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