I’ve been working like a fiend lately trying to gather up as much money as possible for my Provo trip. Tomorrow will probably be my last overtime shift before I leave – and we’ll see how it goes after I get home. The extra cash is definitely nice, and I have a lot of things I want to buy for the house after I get back, which is always easier with extra money. It’s definitely tiring, but a necessary evil for the greater good. I shouldn’t complain too much because it’s entirely self inflicted, but I think I’m allowed to whine a little…
At least today was an easy 8 hour overtime shift doing a bit of PR at the Tiger Cats football game. Tomorrow is a longer 12 hour shift at Isaac Brock – but at least for double time. I’ve decided I definitely prefer NFL football to CFL. 4 downs are better than 3, and the quality of play is noticeably better. It was fun to be there and I certainly didn’t mind being out in a PR capacity. However, a Wolverines or Patriots game would have been infinitely better.
I’m really excited to get to Provo, and I know that time will come very quickly. Just a little over 3 weeks to go! I have so much catching up to do it’s crazy, but I’ll get there and get it done. Thankfully this years album tracks aren’t homework hell like the 2 I did last year. I’m really looking forward to spending another day with Ali, and I’m really looking forward to traveling with Steph. In may ways we are quite alike, so I think we will get along just fine. I’m also stressed about little glitches. I sometimes find it hard to travel without Steve because when we are together I can always rely on him to deal with any glitches. I’ve taken 3 trips without him as long as we’ve been together, and only once did I run into a small glitch. I’m still undecided if I handled that appropriately or not, but still I worry. I’m a grown woman, I should be able to rely on myself, no matter what.
The last month being home from Calgary has been very very hard for me. I’m not even sure where to begin. I was there under some absolutely terrible circumstances, and I’m still struggling and wrestling with it all. I can’t believe Amber is really gone and that she was really murdered. It is all so surreal to me to think I was standing at her grave, I said goodbye, I saw her family, I cried, I laughed, I remembered, I ached and I have tremendous regret that I didn’t get to know this Amber and I hurt that I never will have that opportunity. I feel horrible for putting off going back to Calgary. I guess I just always had visions of us 3 reuniting at some point in our adulthood. I could have never expected someone had other plans for Amber.
And then there is Kim – my first friend ever. Just being with her was so wonderful and so natural. Nothing was forced, just 2 old friends reunited as though the time and distance no longer existed. I felt so close to her, closer than I have felt to anyone here as long as I’ve lived here. I can’t even begin to describe it, nor do I understand why I haven’t been able to get as close to anyone here. I have some great friends, but nothing like what Kim and I share. And since I’ve been home I’ve missed her terribly. It was so fun to be a part of her life again, and meet her after work for Starbucks, or just sit in her kitchen and yak over dried fruits and nuts.
I have a well-established life here in Toronto. A great career, a great husband and all my closest family are all here. My house, my cats, everything that I have and know is right here and I would be foolish to give it all away. The other issue is the climate in Calgary. I hate winter, I hate snow, and they are known to get both from September through to May. Here, our true winter runs from at worst December to March. Summer there still means take a coat because it could get cool, while summers here are very warm. The list goes on and on really for pros of being here. I enjoyed my visit there, and there are things about that city that I completely love, but I know I wouldn’t be happy if I moved back.
So here I am, struggling with trying to reach a happy medium of dealing with not having Kim here, knowing she rightly can’t give up her life there – and aching to have her close in my life. I really wish things could be different, and it’s hard to admit that they can’t be. True friendships run very deep, and I’m very lucky to have found 2 in my life. I vow to make an effort to see Kim more frequently, because it matters.